Ratta Tat Tat
by Sunbird Riding Shotgun
Summary: With a scream of "ratta tat tat" River ripped open an old wound, warning of a danger that has stalked Zoe through the years. A nightmare that formed the friendship that carried her and Mal through Serenity Valley. A hell that is finally catching up.PreBDM
1. Chapter 1

The A/n Job: My first foray into the Firefly Ficdom and I'm attempting a chapter story, this should be intresting. This story is based around my own invented history for Zoe It started as a character study based off her lines in the deleted scene in the first episode but evolved and expanded in a lovely way. With any luck it turns out half as cool as I thought in my head.

BushA/n: All recognizable things belong to Joss. Everything new and different is the product of a semi deranged set of muses.

* * *

Ratta Tat Tat

* * *

_Dead, all dead, every last one of them. Lined up like ducks and cut down like wheat. She turned, holding her rifle like a child clung to a teddy bear, this wasn't a game anymore. This wasn't playing anymore. The fun was over and she compared her count to the others. Her brothers looked like strangers, the men of her platoon who had looked out for all this time, knowing she shouldn't of been there, knowin' a recruiter desperate to fill his quota was the reason she was a sixteen year old pretending to be eighteen and a solider, they were taunting her low kill count. The men who'd promised to keep her safe until she wasn't too green to watch her own back were congratulating themselves near a pile of bodies stacked ten high with boys and girls her age. _

_She looked down at her own gun, paralyzed and afraid. This was war, it wasn't a game, and she couldn't play anymore. Her brothers taunted her. This was war, she shouldn't want to play anymore. This was war, she was winning, and she wanted to play more. A bone chilling thrill ran down her spine as she felt a small smile cross her face as she took aim and joined her brothers again. It was fun to win at war. If you kept it as just a game, something fun, something that didn't matter, something that could become petty like breaking your friend' bat after he beat you in a game and getting to taunt him afterward it could be a little fun. It was fun to win, and she was on the winning side._

_She shot and shot and shot and practiced her aim and played around and the boys said they were proud of their little sister, letting her kill the last of the stupid rebels. A boy her own age, thin and sickly and not even bothering to fight or cry like the others. Why didn't he cry like the others? She took careful aim and shot him somewhere that made her brothers hoot and holler and promise never to piss her off. He was crying now, but he'd made her look bad in front of her brothers so she just left him. Served him right for not letting winning be as fun as it should be._

_She put down her rifle and looked up, dead piled high and rotten. The boy was gone, they were all gone, her brothers were gone. Someone was hunting her and it wasn't fun at all. She was the hunter, she was winning this game and then she'd make whoever hunted her feel really really bad for making her the hunted even one minute. She turned, scrapped and bruised but ready and eager to fight. An inhuman howl escaped her lips as she prepared to attack only to find a barrel of a rifle between her eyes. "It's a mercy killing" A machine gun went off in her head as her brains were blown away._

Zoe came awake with a start, jerking to a sitting position and nearly fleeing the bed in favor of saner regions when a voice spoke. "Zoe?" Wash asked behind her. He sounded only mildly concerned, after three years sharing a bed he knew well how often she slept with nightmares, though she rarely woke so suddenly from them. In honesty this wasn't the first time she'd had that one, though it had been six months and more since the last one. It seemed to finally be fading, even with the reminder that had brought it back. "Zoe?" Wash asked again, shaking her verbally back to the present. "You alright?"

Zoe relaxed back down beside him, letting him wrap his semi-muscular arms around her and hold her steady. She was the strong one, but he was the one to ground her after the ghosts of the past caught up with her. With an embrace and that goofy smile of his he'd smooth it all away, as gentle as when he traced his hands over the scars on her body trying to sooth away the memory and the lingering aches of the past. "Just a dream" _Just a nightmare. "_Go back to sleep."

"I don't mind staying up a bit. I'm a bit reluctant to sleep after that last image of Jayne in a tutu." Zoe smiled, he never failed to know what to say.

"Alright, but if you crash us tomorrow I'm not keepin' the captain from gutting you." She warned, closing her eyes and forcing herself to relax.

A finger ran lightly over a newer scar on her arm and Wash sighed, letting himself fall back to sleep slowly. "Shh… sh…" He muttered half asleep. "Only a dream. I'll be here still."

Rivers eyes flew open. Something wasn't as it seemed. Sounds echoed through the halls of serenity, a distant sound like a memory or a warning. She slid out of bed and padded out of her room, careful not to wake Simon. She had to talk to Serenity. She tried to figure out what the ship was saying but all she heard was ratta tat tat. "Ratta tat tat" She repeated softly, walking down the hallway.

She followed the echo, up the stairs toward the bridge. She could see the captain taking the night watch ahead. "ratta tat tat. Ratta tat tat" She said, loud enough Mal turned to look to see what she was up too. The echo led her near the end of the hall, by a bunk. "Ratta tat tat" She said louder still.

River put her hands against the wall terror gnawing at her insides as she heard it in her minds eye. "RATTA TAT TAT!" She screamed, pain flaring all around her body. "RATTA TAT TAT!"

Darkness claimed her before she reached the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

A/ndig: In this chapter we'll see the start of something I'll be doing throughout the story. A series of flashbacks will continue in the story in a kind of reverse chronological order, starting with more recent events and building back to the actual important event of mystery. Just so you don't get thrown off every flashback (think of italics as a typeable version of that wonderful lighting in Out of Gas) happens sometime chronologically before the one that comes before it chapters wise.

SA/Nfe: Forgive any past or future OOCness please, I'm playing around with a scenario which would put anyone a little out of sorts. I'm attempting to get them as close as possible.

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Mal was the first to reach her, though the others were quick to follow. It was only a week or so after the Early invasion and everyone was still a little jumpy about things that go bump in the night. Mal knelt besides River, checking her vitals to make sure she wasn't injured and trying to lie her comfortably to wait until her brother got there. It was thirty seconds after the scream that the hatch to Zoe and Wash's bunk opened and Zoe climbed out, gun in hand to check for intruders. Before Mal could even start answering Jayne was in the hall and Simon was dashing over , Book only a few strides behind.

"What happened?" Simon asked, the others making room for him.

"There someone here?" Jayne asked, looking around with a half spooked air.

Zoe climbed out into the hallway fully to let Wash come up. "I'll check the ship Cap." She said, hands still steady on her gun.

"Take Jayne, check on the others." Mal said with a nod to her as they left before turning to look at Simon. They were in deep space but they'd already seen how little that could mean. "She came wanderin down the hall, didn't even notice her until she started muttering. I turned to look and she was standing with her hands pressed against the wall screaming."

Simon checked River's hands, checking for any injury or other reason she might of done so. "What did she say? It woke me up but I couldn't tell for sure."

"Ratta tat tat." Mal said looking at the wall then back to River, an old memory surfacing in his mind. "Like a machine gun."

Simon finished checking over River as far as he could in the hallway. "She seems unharmed. I don't understand why… it's not normal, even for her."

Mal stood slowly. He'd have to find a discrete way to check, no need to drag out old ghosts left better lie, but he had an idea why. "Think she's a reader, mayhap something out here in the black set her off. "

Simon stiffened, it had become more of less accepted that River had some abilities not normal to the rest of them. Still the idea his sister was a psychic wasn't one he was comfortable with yet. None of them were overly ready to deal with that particular oddity.

"I'm going to get her down to the Medward, check just to be sure." Simon said after a pause, lifting her up in his arms.

"-all clear-" Zoe said over the intercom from the cargo bay. "-No intruders-" Mal nodded to Wash and book, who began to disperse to their respective bunks.

"When she wakes up see if you can find out what it was." Mal said. "Machine guns are nasty to tangle with." Simon nodded, though he seemed a tad bit distracted. Mal let it slide and watched him walk back down the hall.

With a sign, they never seemed to have a smooth day out in the black anymore with those two around, Mal headed back to the bridge. Taking the com down he gave one last assurance and order. "Alls clear people, seems River got a notion that something needed to go bump in the night. We'll be downing on Four Rivers in about seven hours so I suggest you all grab some sleep while you can. We made a pretty bit off Early's ship and such but ain't no time to relax quite yet." He put down the com unit and sat down.

He listened as the silence returned, only disturbed by first Jayne then Zoe opening and closing the hatches to return to their bunks. He waited a few minutes, wondering if his knowledge of his first mate's habits would prove true enough to make his guess she'd be showing up on the bridge before long correct. The sound of her exiting her bunk caused his lips to twitch into a slight grin.

Her approach was silent, probably would of startled him if he hadn't known she was coming. She stood a few steps behind him, studying the black and not saying anything. The same old comfort of just sharing space giving them both solid ground after the most recent shake.

"It's thirteen years now Zoe, long time to still be dreamin'" He said once the silence had stretched long enough. "It's getting mighty dangerous out here in the black, no time for you to hesitate." "I wasn't planning on it sir. It's just dreams, I've had plenty. Don't mean nothin'" Same old fears, but same old Zoe. She sounded as confident as after the ghost ship and as sound as the days before Serenity Valley. "Just checking in Sir, thought River might have raised a question."

He turned slowly, meeting her eyes for half a moment before turning back to the console. Everything that needed saying said. He didn't hear her leave, though he heard her return to her bunk. He looked out into the black. All was as it should be. "Atta girl" he muttered, laying that old ghost back to sleep with the words of the memory it trudged up.

_Zoe was standing watch on the bridge. Mal didn't even bother telling her it wasn't her shift. He knew she didn't need to sleep right now, didn't want to at least. After the last day even Jayne probably wasn't sleeping to easily but he knew she wasn't doing to well despite what she showed or didn't. _

_He was standing in the doorway, had been for awhile, just watching the black and his first mate and everything. He was glad to be here, a hairsbreadth from loosing the ship, the crew, even the crazy little girl and prissy doctor. He wasn't too happy about the cargo they'd taken from the ghost ship being confiscated but if that was all the alliance wanted from him today he'd happily give it back to be on his merry way. _

"_You were right sir." Zoe said without looking back._

"_Am 'bout most things, what tonight?" He said, though he thought he knew what she meant. Hoped he did in any case. If he wasn't things might be getting a tad more interesting than he wanted to think about right now._

"_No survivors sir." Well, least it wasn't a guaranteed no. "No survivors."_

"_Nightmares back?" He asked coming to stand next to her._

"_First one in three years. Least first one like that." She said, tone not showing a sign of anything. She didn't even look toward him._

"_Lots of reasons for it to be back. Don't mean a thing." Mal said, providing the same reassurance he had over the years. No matter the changes in or between them he hadn't changed on this one thing. He knew something, she needed reminding sometimes. "Don't go changing or thinkin on it now. Been a long way from where that come from and I don't have room for ghosts on this ship. Plenty of weird enough with the crazy girl on board."_

"_Wasn't planning on it sir." She finally turned to look at him. "But don't risk the others like you did today. If it's a mercy kill make it fast and make it clean."_

"_thirteen years a long time Zoe. Leave the ghosts. I reckon any of that left long ago."_

"_Probably right sir but still."_

"_Yeah Zoe." He said with a sigh, softly thudding his fist against the console as he turned to leave. "I'll shoot, can't promise it'll be clean though. Case you haven't noticed not much on this ship is." He deflected what he could of the needless drama of what he said with a joke, weak as it was. _

"_Thank you sir."_

_He turned back. "Zoe, it's been thirteen years, it's just dreams. Don't mean nothin'"_

"_I know sir." She said, that tiny hint of uncertainty gone. "Just layin' plans in case of bad weather. Gotta keep an eye on the sky for danger."_

_He paused, a small smile crossing his lips as the tension drained away. "You have the ship." He said, passing on his duties to her while he went to try to snatch some rest. Her calm "yes sir" followed him down the stairs. "Atta girl."_

Simon had dozed off on the spare bed in the med ward for a few hours when River stirred. "ratta tat tat" She muttered. "Ariel's bridge is falling down falling down falling down…" She whispered in a singsong voice. "ratta tat tat and you all fall down."

"River!" Simon said, turning sharply towards her, crossing to her side quickly. "River?" He said again, stroking her hair gently, wondering if he should try to wake her up. He remembered Mal's order. River's powers a big question mark in his head. "What is it? What do you see?"

River calmed half a moment. "The trees are ending. Nothing but fields but the place feels the trees. Why aren't there trees? The grounds red. Nothing lives in red dirt. Nothing." Her breathing hitched and she gave a little sob. "Dead, all dead. Ratta tat tat they all fall down. Trees and barbed wire. Ratta tat tat all dead."

Simon put a finger to her lips and tried to sooth her. "Shh, no mei mei. Don't look anymore." He kicked himself mentally. This was no situation to be trying that kind of things. He should have waited, gorram what the captain asked. He felt a need to know what she could do, maybe it would help him help her, but asking her to tell him about something that'd made her pass out was idiotic. "Don't worry."

"Why are the tree's ending?" She asked again, calm slowly returning as he soothed her. Her eyes opened and she focused outside the door. "Why is the ground red where the trees stop?"

Simon looked up to see Zoe in the doorway. "Captain asked me to check in, see if she's come around. We're reaching Four-Rivers in about two hours."

"Captain thinks they'll be trouble?" Simon asked, a hand still on River's hair as he noticed the sounds of activity in the ship beyond the med bay.

She raised an eyebrow at him, "These past few weeks? I'm pretty sure he's glad the ship ain't fallin apart."

Simon nodded, wincing a little in agreement.

"You know why the trees stopped." River said, looking at Zoe still.

Simon gave Zoe a bit of an apologetic look. "Ever since she woke up she's been stuck on this."

"Might be we're passing so close to Grove's End" Zoe said, stepping in and continuing when she saw the confusion on Simon's face. "That massacre never made it back to the core huh? A little rebellion, 'bout a year or two before the independents got their start, 'bout fourteen years ago at the start though it was more than a year of fighting. After the alliance sent in enough reinforcements to crush the rebellion they took all the POWs, lined them up and killed them all, 700 or so. A couple officers were court marshaled, a few units discharged but nothing more than that." She shrugged it off and turned to leave. "Passing the planet as we speak."

"Didn't cry. They always cry. Ducks lined up cry and the ratta tat lullaby puts them to sleep." River said and Zoe almost tripped over the threshold of the door. Simon belatedly stepped forward when the woman had already recovered, face as calm as ever but he could of sworn he'd seen something break that cool at River's words. "Ratta tat tat didn't put you to sleep."

"Gotta check in with Kaylee, see if she has the Mule back to running yet." Zoe said, almost making a uncharacteristic beeline away somehow keeping her cool through it.

"Ratta tat tat" River whispered. "One lived, and Mal, the One Who Lived is very unhappy."

It was a nice day on Four Rivers, a little moon more lush than border planets tended to be with several prospering settlements dotting the landscape. It was summer, but the air was cool and dry when they downed at Ci-Lee-Shang trading post on the banks of the Bei river. A tiny friendly settlement off the beaten path it was a perfect drop off point half because most crooks and alliance alike didn't even know it existed and saw no obvious reason to go there.

It was a place Serenity rarely touched down at but it was always a nice little respite when they did. With Wash left to mind the ship Mal told the crew to go out but stay out of trouble while he Zoe and Jayne went about finding their contact and picking up the goods.

With River's inquiry to her brother if she was supposed to clone herself three times while here to become the planets earth something drowned out by the mules somewhat damaged engine coming to life Mal let out a slow sigh of relief as they pulled out into morning sun. Ci-Lee-Shang was a good, safe, place. A nice bit of reassurance after the chaos and ghosts of the past months. He wasn't going to get comfy, and there would be no dirt kissing on his watch, but it was safe none-the-less. One of the few places he'd been to more than once without getting shot at. A browncoat hometown that had stayed under the raydar and welcomed them safely home to rest no matter the years that went by.

"_This is it." Mal said, hopping off the mule that had taken them the last fifteen miles into town. Two weeks of debriefing until they were released by the alliance, a month of transport hopping to the quadrant, a week of shuttle skipping to get to Four Rivers and then four days of walking and hitch hiking and they were finally, mercifully here. It was the same as he remembered it, sleepy streets with well kept buildings. A better off place than most you'd find on the border planets. Friendly folk who'd shown their platoon hospitality three years ago still seemed as welcoming as ever. _

"_We'll stay here a while, rest up. Figure out whats next." He said to Zoe, still following him all the way to the edge of the galaxy to the only place they could think of they might be safe for more than a minute. Maybe even safe enough to heal a little. They'd left Serenity Valley nearly two months ago but that time had been spent in detainment or a desperate dash to get as far away, to this safe place, as quickly as they could. There'd been little time or energy for talk, much less the thinking and feeling needed to recover._

"_For awhile sir." She said softly. "I think I could do for a rest." A sigh escaped her lips followed by a quick hasty breath and she looked away like she'd seen a ghost. _

_She probably had, in a way, Mal knew what she'd be seeing. He opened his mouth, old reassurances habitually coming up but not out. He wasn't the same man who'd kept her nightmares and fears at bay with some nice words, fiery promises, and dedicated friendship. That felt alien to him now, and he knew she wasn't the same woman who'd been helped along by it. _

_Her dreams were back, and he could feel her slipping away into self imposed isolation and hesitation with every move. She'd been made to stare into that same darkness again at Serenity Valley, and he knew she wasn't sure she'd made it away in tact this time. He wasn't quite sure yet either, though he'd never say it aloud. He wasn't the man he was going in but he still knew there were things you just didn't say to a person standing that close to the ledge. _

_It was one reason he'd brought them here, why he'd of brought them here even if there was another place to go. She was going back to the way she was right when they really met, over that volcano as their sergeant had said. They'd stumbled here into town and rested and she'd pulled herself together and away from that place. Maybe she could do it again. He hoped so. _

_She had made him swear, and much as he was shaken he wasn't going to back out on that oath now. Not to Zoe. _

_And if he had to follow through now the next bullet would probably find it's new home in his own skull. He was keeping Zoe alive and fighting and sane right now, like in the war. It was all he had left. She was keeping it together best she could because she knew that. Staying alive for each other had carried them out here, now it was time to rest._

_A cool breeze whistled through the town as a woman saw them walking in. She cried out a greeting before calling to the floors above. In moments a group of townspeople were giving them a hero's welcome. Didn't seem to matter that they'd lost the war, the people promised them they'd be treated like they'd won it by themselves._

_A hot brew in his hand and their first real meal in front of them for months, with a single warm blanket wrapped around both their shoulders, they leaned against each other and cried without shame. _

_It was over._

They rode through town in silence, a short trip taking them to the main trading house where they were to meet their contact. Later Mal wouldn't know for sure when he started to think something may have been off. The door guard missing was the first clue, then the closed sign with the door cracked open, the quiet front hall had set his instincts alert. Six stalls with goods left unmanned, a food stall with it's food blackened and burnt.

They climbed to the second floor, up the only staircase they could go, guns drawn by silent understanding.

The second floor had the same empty hall and unmanned stalls.

Up another narrow stair to the smaller hall with cramped shops that sold higher end goods and they walked into a scene more from a horror holo-vid than life. All the vendors and staff plus a few shoppers and their contact in piles near the far wall, some lying where they'd fallen in a line. Blood splatters along the wall sent a chill through Mal's spine as he recognized the look left by a firing squad.

For a long moment not one of them moved. They'd seen plenty between the three of them but walking in on this in a "safe" place, a haven, unnerved the hell out of them.

Mal recovered first, taking over. "Jayne check the stores, make sure there's no one here to ambush us. Zoe, get in touch with Wash and get everyone back on Serenity. This ain't more than hours old. Whoever done it is probably hanging around." Jayne moved quickly but Zoe didn't make a move, her eyes fixed on something on the floor between her and the bodies. "Zoe!"

Zoe moved, stepping forward to reach what she'd been staring at and lifting up a riffle. She held it up, looking back toward the captain, a look of horror in her eyes and just beginning to touch her face. It took him a minute to realize the riffle she held was familiar, like the one Zoe carried he guessed, though the grips would be… his thought trailed off when he saw the grip, slightly modified to be an imitation to the riffle Zoe'd used in the war. A modification Zoe had made on the riffle she now carried after her old favorite had been destroyed on a job.

The riffle that had been left on the ground was a twin to the one Zoe carried.

Mal walked toward Zoe very slowly, the air of a frightened animal around her making him wary, there was no telling how she'd react. "Zoe." He said softly, trying to absorb everything and figure out what this all meant. There was no way this was a coincidence. He stepped in a puddle of blood that had splattered this far into the room and stopped. His foot stuck, like he'd stepped into fake blood rather than actual…"

"Check the bodies." He said, looking Zoe in the eyes, willing her to act. Things were bad but there wasn't time for her to check out on them and this was not the situation where him going captain to get her to move would be good in the long run. "Jayne finish your check and contact Wash, get the doctor and the local medical crews. Zoe we're checking bodies." He hurried to the nearest pile hoping and dreading in the same breath.

No bullet holes. A series of sleeping darts that had knocked them all out." He tried to move them to lie comfortably, recognizing every face as they went. He felt sick, this was a safe place, the safest place he knew.

Zoe had finally moved, helping him to lift the bodies off the pile to lie them out. By the time they moved to the second pile Jayne had joined them. "Docs on the way." He said. "Whats going on Capt? There something just downright wrong here."

"I don't know." Mal answered, though a feeling of dread unidentified so far was on the rise.

They finished the next pile and moved toward the last. Mal's foot squished in something wet and slippery and he looked down. No fake blood here. He turned, locating the source as their contact. No fatal bullet wound, or at least no wound that should have been fatal, he amended noticing the hole in his pants that looked like someone had taken a particular dislike to him and shot off a part that made Mal mentally wince.

"That's just disturbin." Jayne said, noticing the only corpse of the lot as well. He bent down, checking the man's vitals. "he's dead. Probably bled dry."

Mal turned, rubbing his forehead to just adjust to the scenario now when he saw Zoe looking as shell shocked as he'd ever seen her. "Zoe?"

She turned to look at him, that old personal hell they'd both thought was thirteen years buried there in her eyes. "I know who did this."


	3. Chapter 3

Our Mrs. A/n: Some of you may have notice the Chinese thrown around here and in prior chapters. I took a couple years of Mandarin in high school but between the time since and a bad teacher to begin with… I'm doing my best with what I remember. Though I still have some moments of squee when I can translate what they're saying on the show.

A/n's Town: I'm trying to include more of the crew than just Mal Zoe and Wash but finding that it really breaks up the storyline more than I like. There were actually two scenes cut from this chapter (one with Simon and Kaylees in Ci-Lee-shang's farmers market and one between Jayne and Book) because they just messed with the flow. I unfortunately didn't save the Simon and Kaylee on (though may end up rewriting it if I get the urge) but the Book Jayne scene barely missed the final cut and was saved. If anyone is actually interested in reading it I posted it onto my Livejournal in the hopes that it might actually get me to start using it the way I originally intended (you know… to post stories on. It's a weird concept I know). In any case heres the link: ..

* * *

_Mal lay awake, somewhere between Dusk and Dawn on the fourth night since they lay down arms and the hell of the battle of serenity morphed into something unimaginatively worse. Every second ticked by, anticipating the end and knowing somewhere around them a comrade, a friend, was breathing their last because someone out there didn't think to send in med ships for the surviving soldiers._

_Food had run out more than a day ago. Water wasn't far behind. Medical supplies had been a myth since before the fighting had ended. Blood and bodies were the only thing in plentiful supply now. On the cold nights some folk had taken to stripping corpses, allies and enemies alike, of their clothing and uniforms to use as fuel for fires to keep warm. He and Zoe had spent the day hunting through corpses for something, anything, to eat only to come up with a couple protein bars that wouldn't of been enough for even one of them. He'd convinced Zoe to take it, insisting she needed all she could to keep her body strong enough to fight off infection in the half dozen minor wounds she'd gain in the battle. He knew why he'd done it at the time but his stomach cramping to painfully from hunger to let him sleep made him wish he hadn't. _

_A long night lay ahead of him, with nothing but hunger, a dozen aches and pains, and the corpses all around him for company. At least he had Zoe with him still, now sleeping shoulder to shoulder beside him. _

_He never knew exactly when during that long night she started to stir, eyes dancing beneath their lids as a nightmare took hold of her. It took him a moment to register that he should wake her up before some part of his mind argued to let her lie. What could she be dreaming about that was worse than this?_

_He reached over and shook her gently anyway. "Zoe." He whispered. "Zoe!"_

_She came awake with a start. "Sir!" She said eyes jerking open, terror in them as she reached for the pistol she didn't carry. She reached out and clutched his arm, eyes wider than he could remember. "Mercy shot sir."_

_He'd thought he'd been too tired, too drained, too wrung through completely and so unable to feel any more than he already did that nothing could register anymore. The sheer dread and horror that went through him at that moment, when he understood what she meant, took everything to a new level. _

"_Zoe." He said, forcing calm he never thought to feel again into his voice as he gripped both her arms. She was shaking. It was weird. He never thought he'd see her shake before. "Zoe it was just a dream."_

"_I was so hungry I…" _

"_Zoe! It was just a dream." He said again, shaking her a little. Gorramit they had to get out of here. He was loosing more by the second to death but even more were slowly slipping away like this. This valley was breeding madness in them and for someone who'd had the line blurred so badly before ever setting foot here he could see Zoe slipping into it already. "Hold yourself together Zoe. You are not becoming that. You are not going to make me give that shot."_

_It was only a moment but it seemed to stretch on for yet another hellish eternity as the Zoe he knew gathered herself together and that broken shell shocked woman disappeared. He knew they were running out of time, for all of them and for Zoe. He wasn't sure if she'd be able to pull herself together next time. He looked away, not wanting to see this, only to see the corpse of a private who'd blown his own brains out two days ago. Would it all come down to that?_

"_Are you here Zoe?" He asked, pulling his attention back to her when he thought she'd pulled herself together. _

"_I am sir." She said slowly. "Won't happen again." She settled back beside him, there wasn't much else she could do. "Sir?"_

"_Zoe?" He asked, inviting her to speak. _

"_There's something you should know. Case something happens and I'm not around to warn you." He couldn't make himself protest. "Back on Du-Khang I saw someone who should have been dead and buried back at Groves End. He came right up to me. I thought I was hallucinating until he shot me."_

_Mal turned to look at her, if he hadn't of wondered if she'd been telling the truth about that time he would of thought she had hallucinated the entire thing. "how'd you know it was him?"_

"_I remember his face." She said slowly. "And he killed someone the same way I tried to kill him." Mal raised an eyebrow, not saying that she killed pretty much the most efficient way more of the time. It wasn't weird to find imitators of that. "I shot off his di-di sir."_

_Mal closed his eyes and winced at the idea. "Remind me never to piss you off Zoe."_

"_Yes sir." She said, the driest of humor that could only be found so far in hell you're an inch away from madness in her voice. "And sir-"_

"_We'll worry about that when we're out of here Zoe." Mal said, patting her shoulder and glueing his eyes to the sky. "Just hold yourself together."_

_Three days later he'd been considering giving her the mercy shot she'd asked for and then taking one himself when the med ships finally did come._

Wash took a few hesitant steps onto the bridge, not sure how to approach his wife right now. After the Nishka incident he'd started to understand there were some places where their worlds were incomparativly different and him sticking his nose into certain parts of her life before they met would only get someone hurt but still… he was her husband and her knew she was hurting far more than she let on.

It had been four hours since Jayne's call from the trading post about the "weird ass" occurrence. Three hours since Mal had turned the efforts of cleaning up the wreckage over to the local authorities and he and Zoe had started to help the efforts to track down the one responsible. Wash had thought space had frozen over when Jayne said Mal had said they'd be doing this job for free, though Wash knew Zoe and Mal both felt a weird attachment to this place he didn't understand.

They'd gotten back a little under an hour ago and Zoe had made an uncharacteristic retreat while Mal had given a loose explanation to the crew. Someone had attacked their contact and was possibly targeting someone on the crew, they were helping the town see if they could track down whoever it was. If the person had already left they'd do the same and try to lose whoever it was in the black. Despite Jayne's protests about running Mal had insisted that when all you knew was someone was hunting you your first course of action should be to shake them off your trail.

It sounded like the standard run and hide scenario that was a pretty decent way to fly when you were a crew of smugglers on a ship without something more powerful than Jayne's Vera.

But it didn't explain what was up with Zoe.

He entered the bridge and sat down on his chair, trying to seem as casual as he could. Wash messed with a plastic T-rex while flicking a switch here and there to check through some random engine readings he didn't really care about at that moment. It wasn't until Zoe had turned to leave without even acknowledging his presence that he spoke. "Zoe?"

"She turned, saying nothing.

"remember back after Nishka? When I said I'd try not to get jealous of you and Mal's war buddyness cause it seemed to lead to electrodes and unpleasantness?" She nodded slowly, a tiny hint of a dry smile on her lips. Wash had to admit it had been that kind of a conversation. "I said your couldn't blame me if I got paranoid from time to time though. We've been married three years Zoe, and you know when you tell me not to ask I don't. Is this one of those times? Cause it's starting to feel like you have a secret and if it's like the dreams and you won't talk about it cause you can't I'll back off. But we're flying blind. If there's something hunting us we should know." He stood slowly, going over to her. He took her hands in his, pulling her close until they were only a breath away. He could see something turning behind her eyes, fear, calculation, love, trust, and pain, more than her understood for sure. "Zoe I'm tired of flying blind. I'm tired of seeing things hurt you and not even knowing why. I'm a semi-muscular man who can't protect his wide from ghosts even in our own bed. Do you have any idea what kind of a wimp that makes me?"

A small, sad, smile spread across her lips before she lowered her forehead to rest on his shoulder. He held her close, feeling steel tight tension in every line of her body and exhaustion in every little motion she made as she breathed. "It's all right baby, I'll still be here." He whispered.

It was a long time before either of them moved again. It wasn't until Mal came to the bridge to tell Wash they were heading to Lam's Crossing on the far side of the world to follow up on a lead that they broke apart.

It was only as Mal was leaving, Wash lifting Serenity up to move already, that Zoe responded to Wash's questions. She leaned near his ear, whispering to him. "I'll explain it all soon as I talk to the captain. This is going to get ugly, you have a right to know why." She stood and was after Mal before Wash could respond.

There were times when Zoe saw signs that she and Mal simply thought alike. The decade they'd known each other seemed to have formed minds that thought along the same courses, measuring logic, honor, and preservation of self and crew in the same mix. So it wasn't a complete surprise when Mal led her to a more or less private section of the catwalk above the cargo hold and broached the same subject she'd wanted to talk to him about. "you have to tell them Zoe." He said, his usual subtly not failing him.

"I know sir."

"I'm the first to say that it's best kept quiet. Does nothin' but cause all manner of troubles, especially round here. But You saw back there. It was him. And we can't fly into battle witho- huh?"

"Glad to see you've caught up sir." Zoe said with a small smirk as the captain's attempt to reason with her cut off. "I understand. Like Lieutenant Stratson said, 'personal is only personal until someone else gets hurt.' He was mad the last time I saw him, six years hasn't made him any saner judging by the trading post. The entire crews could be at risk."

Mal nodded once, a quiet almost awkwardness falling between them. Zoe guessed Mal was trying to sort out which instincts to follow, if her own issues were any sign. This was a problem that had existed in a different time, to two soldiers who might as well of been completely different people. If he'd shown up in the days before Serenity Valley Zoe's instincts would have probably been to glue herself to Mal's side and put her faith in him and his faith, trusting without a doubt in her mind that he'd pull her through even if he had to physically carry her to the end.

Now… what would she do now? It had been Wash who'd soothed her nerves and fears, but did she trust the Captain any less? Somehow she wasn't so content to just lay her entire fate in his hands.

"You don't need to tell them about that part you know." Mal said, finally breaking the silence. "Just tell them about Grove's End and the Ghost, make sure there are no surprises. The rest is just an old fear Zoe, ain't got no meaning anymore."

"You really think that sir?" Zoe asked, her voice hard meeting his eyes for the first time since the silence had fallen. "I remember his eyes on Du-Khang, he took that darkness with him. I s-"

She was cut off as the ship lurched and rolled beneath them, all but flinging them from the catwalk as they clung to the railings for dear life. "What the wai po gorram mai le!" Mal shouted over the roar of a minor explosion outside Serenity.

Mal headed off in the direction of the engine room to check with Kaylee. Zoe broke into a run toward the bridge, alerts blaring around them as Wash reported in over the intercom. "Right main turbine blew, backup's engaging but only at half power." The ship jolted again and the com unit slammed against the board below it before Serenity jolted again and kept shaking. She crept more than walked forward, fighting to keep her balance with every step.

_Zoe crept forward, picking her way through the rubble of Du-Khang Mal's orders ringing in her ears. "Find somewhere safe for us to bed down for the night. Do not engage unless it's necessary." It was a sign of how badly things were going that he hadn't specified what was necessary. He knew better than to give her a license to kill with her discretion. The hotter war got the closer she was forced to that old dark place and it was his orders that clarified the line she couldn't cross. _

_The fighting had dissolved into guerrilla warfare, turning the streets and every building of the city into another battle ground that seemed to have no clear cut line of victory save all the enemies dieing before you do. Zoe hated being sent as a forward scout, her nightmare scenario of coming back to find the entire platoon killed by a seeker while she was away more than overpowering the fear of being alone in this kind of a fight. But she knew she was the only one Mal trusted to come back alive from the attempt._

_A block away from where the others of the 57__th__ were holding position Zoe found a burned out two story building still solid enough to provide shelter, cover, and as close to safety as they were likely to find in this gorram city. _

_There were also two alliance soldiers who'd managed to wander out into the road between her and her platoon. They were blocking her path back to Mal and the others. In her mind that counted as necessary. _

_Her nostrils flared as soon as that thought possessed. She turned her body, raising her rifle and taking aim. They'd both be dead before they knew they were being watched. Stealth was the craft of a hunter. For an indefinable moment she felt completely aware of herself, mussels bunching and tensing and senses on high alert as she prepared for that kill, a wild rush or adrenalin and power that came before a kill, familiar dangerous yet irresistible. Like a drug she was relapsing into an addiction for._

_One shot. One kill. _

_She'd shot the second before the first had hit the ground. But she felt something off, something wasn't right. That scream of pain cut off had been caused by something else. Her senses on high alert she looked around, a hunter realizing something just as deadly was around. _

_When she finally did see him, a man dressed in an indepent's brown coat and a rifle like her own, grinning at her from across the way it took a moment to recognize the boy through the muck and years. He walked over to her, as casually as if it was main street of a quiet town not some war zone. His unruly black hair was slicked down by mud and sweat and his eyes held venom rather than shock but Zoe recognized the face that had haunted her for years. _

_Zoe took a slow calming breath, not letting him being back from the dead shake her cool. She didn't strike him either, though on some level instincts were screaming that killing him was necessary since if he was more than some mirage conjured by her guilt and the hell around them he was likely to try to kill her. She knew she could, should kill him. Survival instincts had never been something she lacked, but she couldn't make that move. On some level survival instincts were screaming but the actions were lost along the way somewhere. _

_She could retain her calm in the face of a nightmare coming back, instinct screaming for her to kill or run…_

_But she couldn't move either. Her own control paralyzing her, knowing that movement would break the spell and killing him might just drag her across that line._

"_What is it? You look like you've seen a ghost." He quipped , shouldering his rifle to aim straight at her heart. Zoe didn't blink, she didn't flinch or try to run. She knew she'd stumbled into death and had been prepared for this years ago. She barely even begrudged him. If she kept up as she had minutes ago it might end being the mercy shot Mal wouldn't be able to deliver. _

_Maybe it was her cool acceptance that did it. Or maybe it was never his intention to shoot her to begin with but a snarl crossed his face. Rage and pain and a hint of insanity flared across his face as he moved quickly, down and to the right and fired. A white hot pain exploding across her body a breath later told her he'd blown a chuck of her side away, purposefully missing anything vital. _

_Zoe collapsed to her knees pressing a hand to the injury and trying to recover to return fire. He was gone before she could even regrip her weapon._

_Painfully she got to her feet. She needed to get back to the others to get medical aid and then they needed to settle down into the building before the sun set or they'd loose half their platoon during the night. She crossed back over the bodies of the alliance soldiers, freshly killed in a street littered with corpses in various stages of decay. She noted the second one she'd killed, a hole between the eyes and one in the crotch of his pants._

_She looked up and stumbled on, forcing everything into the back of her mind. She'd make up a story, she'd break her own rules and lie to Mal. Anything to not live in this moment, in this thought a moment longer. She couldn't deal. _

_She'd make up a story sure to get him to yell at her, make him give even stricter outlines on who she was to kill and when. She'd call him sir and take whatever he said. If that didn't work she'd figure something out. _

_Her grip on her side tightened, each step shot new fire through her. She wasn't sentimental, but in a way she preferred that fire. It almost drowned out the pain from the old wounds ripped open._

Mal was somewhere behind her. She could see Wash manually struggling to retain control while trying to activate backups and safety measures to prevent them from crashing.

They'd barely made it onto the bridge when a shudder went through the ship, and the roar of the engines outside went silent. Looking back later, the sudden silence, the sudden drop, and the look on Mal's face in that breath before Wash flicked the last switches and the backup thrusters roared in to replace them and they were just dropping through air would probably be funny. In that way that near death experiences can be funny mostly because you got away alive. But at that moment, dropping from the sky at a speed only a metal ship could, little could compare to the terror.

The backup thrusters stabilized the ship long enough for them to catch their breath a minute. They had to land as soon as possible, backup thrusters were meant to soften an emergency landing and even someone who knew as little about mechanics as Zoe knew there was something seriously wrong with Serenity.

"There" Mal said, pointing to an empty stretch of land alarmingly close in the vertical sense. Feet were pounding up the hall toward the bridge as everyone of board raced to see the reason for the "turbulence".

Wash eased her down as gently as he could, not answering the clamor of inquiries as to what was going on. Zoe could read her husband well enough, even in the weird zen calm state he got in when the piloting got tricky like that, to know he didn't have the answers. She was just glad they hadn't crashed.

"Nice to see your reputation is well deserved." A voice said as the cortex blinked to life, a sickly pale man with unruly black hair appearing before them. A jolt of fear nearly greater than the one she was just recovering from ran through her as she recognized the man. "Sit tight, it should take even your genius mechanic a few hours to sort out the mess I left for you. I'll be by in good time to catch up." No one said a word. "What? Zoe never told you? Shame on you girl, such good friends as we are. You know they say killing each other is very bonding. Well, I guess we'll just have to sort through the boring details tonight. Shoot ya later Zoe."


	4. Chapter 4

Out of A/n: Shortish chapter but it was the only place that made sense to break it off for another five pages so whatcha gonna do. We're approaching the end here with either one long chapter or two chapters left.

A/nerial: The truth is out there!

* * *

There was a long moment of silence that followed the communication cutting off. No one seemed to know how to react to this newest curve ball they'd been thrown. Finally Zoe broke the silence, turning to Mal. "Sir."

Simon couldn't tell if it was a question or a statement.

Mal nodded once, turning to the group and pausing a moment, a look somewhere between confused, annoyed, and that faraway look he gets about the war flittering across his face.

"Shh…" River spoke in the lengthening silence. "To name a fear gives it substance. Gives it power. Safer to run away and hide. Do not name what you cannot face."

"We don't have a choice in this little one." Zoe said. She'd wandered away from the group, over to the other cockpit. A hand reached out, fingers just barely brushing the steering wheel. Simon wondered what it was about the motion that bothered him so much until River's hand found his and tightened. It was the way River touched things sometimes, when she felt disconnected. When she needed to know for sure this all was real. "

For a fleeting second her hand closed around the control, grounding her before Zoe turned back to them, regaining the confidence she normally had. She clasped her hands behind her back, standing at attention yet seeming at ease. It was strange, how she looked so comfortable with herself even though Simon didn't need medical training to see the tension. She didn't look at anyone, eyes focused somewhere behind them.

"I was born on Iolas. It's a slum moon in one of the core systems. Core planets are spotless for a reason, any undesirables get shipped out to places like Iolas." Her voice hardened. "No soldiers or feds to speak of except to make sure no one gets off world who isn't supposed to. The entire moons like a giant city of rusted towers, pollutions so bad you can't see the sun. A city made up of addicts, gangs, convicts, the homeless, and whoever else the alliance decided was a disturbance to their enlightenment.

'My own story was normal I guess. Bastard child who never knew which of her mother's clients was her father. Orphaned and barely getting by. I was fifteen when I heard the alliance had sent some recruiters to try to increase the ranks in their army. All I knew is it was my one chance at a ticket off world. I said I was nineteen. The advantage of not being in the system was they had no way to check if I was telling the truth. I seemed mature enough, you grow up fast on Iolas."

"Basic training took six months. My platoon got shipped out to a alliance cruiser and had a easy tour of alliance space. We got close, the men called me their mei mei, swore they'd see me through to the end of my contract. They knew I was too young."

She let out a slow breath, her eyes moving back to the others. Mal was leaning against a console, looking pointedly neutral. Wash looked concerned and surprised, Simon wondered if Zoe had never told him this before. Jayne looked like he was trying to be serious, Book as serene as usual. Simon couldn't see Inara, standing behind him and near the door or Kaley to his right but they were probably just as quietly confused as he.

Zoe refocused onto Mal a moment before looking back, somewhere between her and them. "Six months on that tour and the rebellion on Grove' End had reached it's peek. We were sent in as reinforcements. None of us were ready to take that step into a guerrilla war. We lost six of our platoon the first day. By the end of the week the only reason I was alive was two of my brothers had died protecting me. Get little Zoe through the war, get her to safety, it was all they had left as the fighting stretched on with no end in sight. The campaign lasted about four months before the alliance got embarrassed that such a little moon was holding out so long and we overwhelmed them by sheer numbers. In the end there were less than a thousand enemy combatants alive to surrender. Mostly the younger teens rebels kept safe by their families, just like me."

She paused a long moment, emotions flashing across her eyes even if her face remained impassive. "My platoon was one of two put in charge of the POWS. It isn't clear how it happened. An order screw up, a vindictive leader, alliance not wanting to pay for 700 souls I don't know. Just the same, two days after the fighting was over we set up machine guns along the south wall of the fort and started executions. Took better part of two days. There weren't enough machine guns for everyone so I made do with a rifle. My brothers let me kill the last one." She stopped speaking for just a moment, if Simon didn't know better he might have thought there'd been a shake on her voice. "When he didn't cry the other's mocked me. I shot him once, not to kill… just enough to make him bleed. He'd get no medical help from us. He'd die slowly that way. We celebrated. Three weeks later when we'd been reassigned the army's PR team had us all dishonorably discharged and cut us loose."

For a moment no one said anything then Jayne broke the silence. "So you was an alliance gal?"

Zoe closed her eyes and let out a long slow breath. Simon was pretty sure it was to keep from murdering Jayne, which he wouldn't really blame her for. It was taking him a long time to process what she'd said but having that thrown at the loyal brown coat was probably not best right now.

"Jayne!" Mal barked a warning.

"What? All I'm sayin is she was one of then purple bellies. It's a fine story and everything but I don't get what this has to do with mr/ crazy-messin our engines"

"Cause that last boy I killed didn't die." Zoe said, anger flashing in her voice. "I don't know how but he survived and mad as hell."

"Could tell for myself. I'd be mighty angry to. Tend to be when somma shoots me."

"Not just angry Jayne, crazy to." Mal said. "and not all pleasant like either. Now seems he caught up to us which means we're going to have to take care of this once and for all. Kaylee, Wash, I want you to go and figure out what he did to our engines. Jayne go with 'em in case that Ping-sha du is on board and looking for trouble. Inara, Sheppard, Simon, and River go to Inara's shuttle and stay there but stay on the com. If we need the doc we'll shout for him but if things get hairy you'll be able to get out of here safely."

"Captain I ma-" Sheppard began.

"I know." Mal said, cutting him off. "But you're the best protection I can spare for those three if they need it."

Simon nodded, knowing by now to go with Mal's plans if only to avoid an argument he would lose. His eyes were back on Zoe who'd sat down in the co-pilot's seat and was checking over readings. Wash crossed over to her, and flicked a few switches to bring them up onto the bigger monitor for easier viewing. She turned, looking up at him her face unreadable but searching. Simon couldn't see from the angle but whatever she'd been looking for in Wash's face she must of found for the relief was visible.

Kaylee tugged on his arm to leave, pulling him out to follow Inara with Jayne and the captain a moment behind. It seemed Mal was going to give his first mate a moment to smooth things over with her husband. It was weird to see him compromising so much for her in such a situation but then again this was Zoe, and after what she'd been forced to relive and retell maybe he figured this was the best way to get her back to the present.

Or, Simon amended watching him watch them, see how the crew took this.

"It's weird." Kaylee muttered into the silence.

"Knew she'd been in military before the war." Jayne said. "Never really put together that'd mean alliance." He glanced toward Book. "Figure she was seekin' forgiveness for killin' all them people?"

"Whatever she sought I think she seems to have found." Book answered. "A sight like that leaves scars on a person that are easy enough for people who recognize them to see. Tend not to let a person rest easy. She seemed to have found serenity…"

"They hear it in their dreams." River cut in. "Ratta tat tat, ratta tat tat. It fires through their minds and they remember what it was like. Kill to kill, it felt good." The door to the bridge opened and Zoe stepped out and froze when River's words reached her ears. "Ratta tat tat and laugh and laugh.. Ratta tat tat in their ears when they sleep. Ratta tat tat chorus and survivor and the one who survived and they all sing together and break apart into tiny pieces singing ratta tat tat lullubye as they all fall down. No one survives the lullubye. No one escapes the Ratta tat. Just delay it. Shove back the darkness." She turned to Zoe a look of fear on her face. "It's taking hold."

Suddenly the captain acted. "Get you sister under control doc and get up to the shuttle, the rest of you know where you're supposed to be."

Simon took Rivers hand as she watched Zoe walk by and climb down into her bunk to get her gear for the upcoming fight. "It tastes bad." She whispered.

Mal saw Zoe go into her bunk and hurried everyone along. A old gnawing fear in the pit of his stomach that made him kick open the hatch to her bunk before everyone was out of sight. He'd seen that look before. The one right after Rivers words. He knew she'd almost done it before, he'd stopped her from eating her own gun a couple of times. It was something he'd gladly thought she'd left behind after the war.

His heart dropped when he saw his first mate sitting on the bed with her pistol in her hand that terrifyingly calm look on her face.

_The nightmare should have been over then. It should have ended when they put a bullet into those pour souls' brains. That long tunnel that had started when their platoon had landed in Yi-Xia to restock only to find the entire town had been wiped out by reavers except for those five civilians gone near mad by the sight. They'd taken them in, tried to get them help as their sergeant decided what to do. Two days spent searching for survivors and burying the dead was more than most of them could take. Finding bits of entrails scattered through the streets, little children violated, horrors none of them would ever forget should have ended with the final corpse laid to rest. _

_It shouldn't have gone on into the night as those five survivors slowly went insane and began attacking the platoon the same as the reavers had attacked the town. He shouldn't have been the one some other new recruit named Celia came running to when her bunk mate was about to eat her gun. It seemed the unfortunate side effect of his ability to inspire people was people came to him when they didn't know what to do. _

_He cursed, something he'd done a lot of since he left home, and broke into a run toward the tent he'd been pointed toward. Chances were he'd come in time only to pull a blanket over the soldier before Cilia got back from getting the sergeant but he had to give it a try._

_Mal ducked into the tent, coming up to see a scared and shaking nineteen year old girl with a gun pressed to her temple. He remembered her, though her name slipped his mind. She'd been around when he joined up with this platoon. She kept to herself from what he could tell, one of the angry resentful recruits to the independence trying to get back for a personal vendetta. She wasn't a very good soldier though, always holding back or hesitating like she was afraid to kill even when it would keep her alive._

"_You don't want to do that private." Mal said taking a step toward her and stopping up short when her hand clenched. "Okay… maybe you do but it's not a good notion. Blowing your brains out ain't no answer to what you saw today." _

"_It's a mercy shot!" She said, her voice harsh and angry, but there was almost a plead in it. She was staring down her own gun and it scared her but something was terrifying her so much more she was willing to do it. _

"_Mercy to who?" Mal asked, trying to keep her talking and maybe talk her down from this. The words rang eerily in his mind. The sergeant had said them a few hours ago when he'd ordered the survivors killed._

"_Everyone, me." She said looking like she was about to start crying. "I'm turning into them."_

"_Whoa there. You just saw the aftermath. It's bloody but it ain't the same."_

"_Not from today." She said. "I fought for the alliance at Grove's End. I was at the massacre." Mal's blood ran cold. "Everyone who did went insane. I thought. I thought I was different, that I could hold it back, only kill when I have to. Not cause that pain again. I can't tell when anymore. I like to kill." She closed her eyes. "It's a mercy shot before I become a monster!"_

_Mal lunged forward, but he was to far away. He waited for the shot and the sound of her head exploding only to hear a little click of an empty weapon. He didn't wait to praise god, he crossed to her knocking the gun away and grabbing her by both her wrists. "Look at me!" He said, voice leaving no room for question. When she opened her eyes he started talking slowly and forcefully. "I don't know what your talking about. I don't understand, and that's okay. I have a notion I wouldn't want to really. But you're not a monster and you ain't becoming one. I know that cause you were ready to eat your own gun to stop it."_

"_I" She started but he silenced her with a look._

"_I've seen you holding back and holding it in. That's because you don't want to kill more than you have to right? But this is a war, we don't have time for you to hesitate and second guess. Stick close to me, if you can't tell when to kill or not I'll tell you. But if I tell you to shoot someone shoot them understand? We've been lucky but you're going to get yourself killed like this. I know that was the idea tonight but we need all the soldiers we can get to win this war."_

_She was crying now, awkwardly he let go of her wrists and after a slight bit of hesitation pulled her close into a hug, letting her cry herself out. He guessed her no older than nineteen which made her barely sixteen if even that when she'd fought in Grove's End. No wonder she was such a mess. At that age the worst he'd seen was the aftermath of a couple bar brawls. _

_He sighed, rubbing her back as her crying slowed. "Listen, there's this old saying. 'When you can't run anymore you crawl and when you can't do that you find someone to carry you.'" He made the decision he'd already made when he told her he'd tell her when to kill. "My name's Mal. If you want I'll carry you for awhile."_

"You remember to load it this time?" Mal asked, taking a slow step toward Zoe to see her reaction.

She nodded, absently rechecking this herself. "Not that careless anymore sir. If I do something it's done right now." There was something in her voice he couldn't quite identify. "Sir. You really think I'll do it now don't you?"

"I'm hoping not."

She looked up, the driest of smiles on her face. "I kill who you tell me sir, myself included. It's been ten years, and I don't think I'm going to start breaking that now. Not sure if I've reached "anyone who threatens the ship" yet but you'll know when it gets close." She stood up, holstering her gun and shouldering her rifle. "Until then I have a job to do. Forgive me sir."

Mal didn't realize the rifle was in motion until it was hitting the side of his head. Blackness took him just as he felt Zoe catch him and lower him to the floor.


	5. Chapter 5

**Note:** Hey, remember me? Well I finally figured out how to finish this! Um… yeah. Sorry it took nearly a year.

* * *

Zoe closed he eyes as she lifted away from serenity and turned off the main com unit. She was doing what she had to, a series of bad and worse choices ald threats were forcing her down a cery narrow path right back down into that old hell.

The instructions had been clear. Act normal, take Mal out of the equation, Jayne if he got in the way, get on a shuttle, leave. That Wash was with her when the man had contacted her hadn't been part of his plan. It was hard to convince Wash to act normal, to let her go. Even once he'd checked the readings and realsed exactly how badly the ship -had been comprised. A remote switch would re-engage the engine mite, a anti aircraft booby trap that caused massive damage to the engines and in some older model ships could trigger reactions that would cause huge sections of the ship to blow up.

Certain older model ships like Serenity.

Even after Wash had realized the glitches on his readings, ones that had been there for months, were probablythe hidden cameras and mikes watching them she'd baely been able to make him see reason and let her go.

Even when she had it had been for a different reason.

"I can't run anymore." She whispered as she flew away toward the coordinates she'd been given. "It may not be safer but I can't run forever."

Yet, even as she flew, hoping she'd live to fly back, she felt herself falling back. Back to the instincts she'd once had, the drive and skills she kept controlled. Her senses were coming alert and as she landed she could almost smell her prey.

Slowly, carefully, Zoe crept down the ramp and off the shuttle. "I'm here, alone." She called out. "Armed."

A shot out of nowhere grazed her arm. A moment of silence passed.

_Ratta tat tat._

Zoe dived out of the way but it was the inaccuracy of the gun that saved her. Another shot hit her square in the back, pounding her into the dirt and denting her body armor.

She rolled to one side, avoiding another bullet as the graze on her arm scream from dirt being ground into it by the roll.

She ignored it though. Those shots had come from **on** the shuttle. Her enemy had been onboard with her.

Another shot grazed her leg as Zoe came to her feet. She had to get away, even the playing field.

She took off, zigzagging and aiming for the tree line. She had to get cover.

She could smell fear now, but it was her own.

_Fear. _

_Running. She was running. She'd been running for months, years, her entire life really. _

_And now she was running for her life from monsters and she was starting to realize maybe they weren't after her to kill her._

_Just to claim her as one of them._

_It hadn't hit her at first, back then on Groves End. They had looted and burned the corpses before anyone from high commend got there. They had been reassigned and then quietly discharged. They'd all pitched in money and put their sergeant Richards in charge of both the cash and taking care of Zoe until she was eighteen. _

_They'd parted ways after that. Some headed home. Some ate their guns. Most started running. _

_She and Richards started running. They ran to the outer planets, changing their names and their stories and trying to just forget there was such a place as Groves End. _

_It still hadn't hit her for more than a year. They'd settled on some backwater world where Richard was a hired gun and Zoe kept the shit hole of a household they'd managed to get together running and bounced between hating and loving the domesticated life. One night she went out to the local bar, just to get her head cleared a little. She walked in on a bar brawl between some locals and alliance soldiers just in time to watch the alliance soldiers gun down the four civilians who until that point had been winning._

_She'd gone home in a daze. Rixhard had asked her what was wrong and one word had left her mouth. It described what she had seen._

_At the bar, and at Groves End._

_"Massacre"_

_It had taken awhile to get the full story out of her. After he had he'd gotten quiet. They'd sat together a long time, remembering. Eventually Richard had told her to get ready for bed. Once she was laying down he put a glass of water by her bed and went to his side of the room._

_She'd taken a few sips even though she wasn't thirsty, used to making a point of accepting such care taking gestures from her brothers even when they weren't exactly needed._

_She barely remembered putting the glass down before the sleeping draught kicked in._

_She woke in a medical center four days later. The doctors said it was only the combination of the drugs being old and poor quality, her bodies youth and good condition, and that she hadn't taken more than a few sips that meant she'd survived the attempt to kill her._

_She refused to believe Richard had tried to kill her. She insisted that the water must have been tainted or something. After all, if he wanted to kill her why hadn't he just shot her? She insisted right up until they told her he'd blown his own brains out less than an hour after he'd drugged her._

_She knew then why, if he'd been trying to kill her, he hadn't just shot her. She was his little sister, his charge. If he was going to kill her to spare her he'd try to do it as gently as possible._

_She left the hospital, went home. She took up the contracts he'd left open when he'd died to pay the bills. After the first job she nearly finished what he'd started. The more she thought about it. The more she realized what she'd done, what she'd become… She wasn't even eighteen and she'd been killing without hesitation. All the other hired guns had been afraid of her._

_But she'd never been good at just laying down and dieing. She should just end it, but survival instinct she'd built up from the day she was born into the sunless world of Iolas told her to run as far as she could first._

_So she had started to run._

_She ran from world to world, using up her money just trying to keep going as far as she could. She'd ended up desperate and creditless on some backwoods world with only the clothes on her back, her riffle and one round. Just enough to end it._

_She was in a back alley, about to do just that when she saw an alliance soldier trying to rape a girl._

_She only had one shot left, but it was enough to end him._

_The girl brought her home, introduced Zoe to her father. He told Zoe she should leave town, she'd signed her own death warrant when she'd killed the soldier, but he knew a place she might be happy to head to. He had some friends, people who could use a girl like her with a good shot and the balls to kill alliance soldiers when there was need. They were trying to make a change, to save the outer worlds._

_At fifteen Zoe had become an alliance soldier. At eighteen Zoe donned a Brown Coat and joined the rebellion._

_A year later she transferred into the brigade heading to some battle she later wouldn't remember. They'd stopped for some supplies at a village called Da Xiao only to find horrific proof that reavers were real. No one noticed how hard she took it._

_Her bunk mate didn't wake up when she snuck out of the tent and visited the med ward. Zoe had become good at going unnoticed._

_It was Zoe who discovered the medics dead and the survivors gone. Zoe who raised the alarms._

_Zoe who was caught doing so by two of the not-really-survivors._

_So she ran. Ran for her life. Ran to escape the truth, stay one step ahead of those monsters and her own demons._

_Even when their sergeant had found her and killed the two chasing her, saying that it was a mercy shot and trying to comfort her, she'd kept running. Back to her tent, back to her gun. To what she hadn't known until later was not an end so much as a beginning._

She ran, through trees that looked like the ones on Groves End and the ones on that world where she'd decided to end her running only to find someone determined to carry her until she would run on her own again.

She fought down her terror, the feeling she was being hunted, the sensation that she should just stop running, turn and fight.

She fought that thing inside of her trying to take over.

She ducked behind a tree and found herself staring down the barrel of a riffle.

Dead blue eyes stared back at her over it. "Hey there" He whispered.

_She stepped up to the line, sighting her shot at the boy. He wasn't crying like the others. He wasn't scared. Her brothers called to her teasingly about how he wasn't scared of cute little Zoe. _

_She made a face. He looked away! "Hey there" She called. "Eyes here." She shot a few rounds around him. He still didn't cry. "Idiot." She muttered, taking one last shot between him legs. He cried after that._

"Eyes here." He finished.

When he moved she acted, dodging left and grabbing at his weapon, dropping her own.

They struggled, grappling and hitting, and trying to get control enough over the weapon to end the fight.

Finally Zoe got control, pushing away and rising to her knees. Front sight… Controlled trigger pull…

_"Here try this." Sergeant Richards said, taking her service pistol and trading it for a riffle. "You seem the type to like a weapon with a bit of heft." It was probably mostly teasing but she did like the weight of the weapon. It felt substantial, like it would do some damage even without firing it._

_She raised it and he stopped her. "No, like this." He said, showing her with his own. "Remember, Front sight, controlled trigger pull, follow…"_

…Through…

The bullet hit it's mark between those dead eyes and the man fell.

She stood there, waiting, for something, anything. Just one sign that this was her one kill too many and she'd take the mercy shot right now.

But all she felt was her arm bleed and her leg threatening to give out and how much she would give not to have to walk all the way back to the shuttle. She knew she wasn't all right. That she should feel something about ending this and that this numb state she was in would eventually thaw out and she'd have to deal with the fallout and it would hurt.

But maybe, just maybe, that was normal.

She would deal with the fallout, and maybe when she did it would mean the end, but until then she would keep running, or limping, or crawling… and maybe when she couldn't do that anymore she'd let the rest of the crew carry her for awhile.

But she'd keep moving.

The walk back to the shuttle was long but she didn't stop to rest until she was back in the cockpit.

She wasn't surprised that Mal was the one to answer her wave. He always did have a hard head.

"We all clear." He asked, more question than one asked there.

"Yes sir." She answered them all. "Hows Serenity?"

"A little shaken up but once Kaley, Wash an' Sheperd are done messin' and she has all her bits back in place she'll fly true." He paused. "Come home, dawns not far off."

Slowly Zoe eased the shuttle off the ground and started to head back. "Yes sir." She said ending the communication and letting herself have one long look into the stars above before heading home.

_She was scared, confused, and didn't have any idea of what she was about to get herself into. She was leaving the only home she'd ever known and suddenly she would of traded all the palaces of the worlds to be back in the shit-hole of an apartment she'd grown up in. _

_But then the shuttle she was taking off world broke atmo and she looked up, seeing stars for the first time in her life through the window, turning toward the bright light off to her left, seeing it stretching around the world and finally understanding the concept of dawn in a way a girl who'd never seen the sun before couldn't. _

_She didn't know what was waiting for her out here in the black, but she stood, gaping like an idiot at her first sunrise and something shifted. She might trade all the wealth of the worlds for a chance at familiarity in the face of an unknown verse. _

_But she wouldn't trade this first dawn out in the black for anything._

_

* * *

_

**End.**


End file.
